Ever have a day where everything in life combines to just thunderpunch you right in the face? yeah. Today's that day. screw everything.

depressing post - does this make me emo?

No revelation: I'm a single geek who apparently can't get a date.

This week, and today especially, gets harder each and every year. Everyone I talk to says otherwise, but I feel like such a loser when I'm almost 20 and have never had anything resembling a date... I don't know where this post is going, but I really need a brain-dump, so hang on.

This day really is a microcosm of how everything at Trine is for me these days. I know I'm where GOD wants me, I know he has a reason for this, but I'm so lonely and feel so worthless... I don't have close friends on campus (there's a couple pretty good ones off campus, but that only goes so far when they have their own lives i guess :p ) , My family who have been my lifeline for my entire stay on this planet, live a long ways away, I can go days with no conversation more substantial then a professor's lecture. HE has shown me that I belong here, but that doesn't make the loneliness easier. And now that HE seems to be showing me a girl who maybe I should be "pursuing" (for lack of a better term) I can't convince myself to do it. What's my purpose? What can I gain from being depressed, and literally having nobody to interact with no matter what i try?

I don't know what my point is. I know GOD has something awesome for me, but I'm stuck with a bunch of roommates who just make fun of me because I try to handle myself with class. I have a professor who I don't learn from and who doesn't like what I stand for. I have a whole circle of friends who I can't bring myself to fully trust because of what they have (unintentionally) done to me. I found value in being a positive influence on the football team here; but now I'm done with that chapter, and they go on without me, they don't miss me or even greet me anymore. I find my only solace when I have a guitar in my hands, playing for my KING, but that opportunity continues to present itself less and less.

I find myself more and more wishing for the simpler times in life. Times when I was younger. I had less responsibility. I had friends I knew (or thought I knew) I could trust. I had Idealistic dreams, where now it's jaded narcissism and a world that keeps itself at arms length.

I am trying to find a positive way to end this note. It's my usual habit, it's something I try to always do. But right now i have nothing but wishes. I wish my old friendships were close and reliable. I wish my family were closer then an occasional Skype call or Facebook message. I wish I could move on to the next chapter of my life. I wish that girl would get on facebook or something so I could talk to her. Actually, I wish it were Sunday so I could see her...

στο σχέδιο του Θεού

בתוכנית של אלוהים

in consilio Dei

The Wolf

Who do you think you are?

You say that GOD can’t be worshipped in my music; That GOD can’t be praised through aggressive sounds and emotions.

But last time I checked He doesn’t look at the outward appearance.

Man looks at the outward appearance, but GOD looks at the heart.

So how can you say you know the answer? How can you have the audacity to claim you know what is pleasing to GOD?

I have given myself as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God, my spiritual act of worship.

Yet you dare say I am leading the followers of THE MOST HIGH astray, that I am a wolf in sheep’s clothing!

You claim that GOD isn’t honored in my methods of honoring HIM.

I guess it’s a good thing I’m not playing for you isn’t it?

I’m making a joyful noise to my LORD; I’m praising him with the gifts he has given me.

I live to serve, whether you believe me or not.

My sacrifice, O GOD, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, will not despise.

I want to serve YOU in all I do, so what does it matter what they think?

I am sacrificed to GOD’s will! Long live the KING!

So many thoughts, i don't know how to put stuff in to words...

So I went over to FCA this evening, and on the way I realized how easy most of life is for me. I realize how obnoxiously self-gratifying that is, but hear me out... Almost everything in life I have tried has been easy. Academics are easy. I have a high GPA and it could easily be higher. For the most part, relationships are "easy" as in I usually know what to do or what to say. on and on it goes, there isn't much in life that is difficult for me to accomplish. The one thing that is never easy is my relationship with my heavenly father. I don't think I should EXPECT it to be easy, but I guess I just can't adjust to the idea... I dunno why.

I dunno... I know what I need to do, I've always known... it's just a matter of doing it.

why is it that when i'm such a self-proclaimed metalhead, the most moving music i have is nothing more then a dude with an acoustic guitar and a simple chord pattern?

more later...

what defines a man?

so I wrote this a couple of months ago, after watching tv and seeing how poorly husbands (and men in general) are portrayed in popular media. It breaks my heart that people have the idea that it's "normal" for men to be lazy, biased, and intolerant. This poem-thing came out of it, and I've been thinking about it again recently.

I'm not perfect, I don't claim to be.

I let me wounds show when they need to, not when they don't.

I serve a higher calling then my own selfish wants and desires.

I set aside my needs to serve the greater good.

I live to protect. Physically, mentally, AND emotionally.

I do the right thing, even - especially - when it isn't easy.

I obey those above me without question; and, if so blessed, I treat those entrusted to me with respect.

I try to resolve issues without resorting to violence, but I am ready if violence is needed.

When I can't solve an issue, I go to those wiser then I for help.

I AM A MAN.

first!!!

It's ironic in a way... starting something new as something else fades away. In this case it isn't replacing, as the new is small and the old is very large, but it still seems ironic.

In this case the new is this blog. I am recycling my old football blog as my own personal musings and mutterings, probably with a good sized dash of football mixed in. The old represents school. I am in finals week now, and it is nice to have the light at the end of the tunnel showing so clearly. I have two finals left, and I'm excited to get on with my summer.

I guess the whole world is turning over now. We are a ways into the spring season, with the world changing from grey and white to green and greener. the weather is going from cold and cloudy to thunderstorms and breezes. I guess God enjoys the recycling of times as much as we do. I know that every new season that rolls around renews my mental state of being. I love each one for it's own reasons. the green and warmth of the spring, the time with friends of the summer, the colors of fall (and the football), and the snow in winter.

Well, the new isn't easier to face, I'm going to be working almost full-time (in all probability), along with lots of lifting for football and anything I do with friends. Still, just the change excites me and I can't wait!