Monday, February 14, 2011

depressing post - does this make me emo?

No revelation: I'm a single geek who apparently can't get a date.

This week, and today especially, gets harder each and every year. Everyone I talk to says otherwise, but I feel like such a loser when I'm almost 20 and have never had anything resembling a date... I don't know where this post is going, but I really need a brain-dump, so hang on.

This day really is a microcosm of how everything at Trine is for me these days. I know I'm where GOD wants me, I know he has a reason for this, but I'm so lonely and feel so worthless... I don't have close friends on campus (there's a couple pretty good ones off campus, but that only goes so far when they have their own lives i guess :p ) , My family who have been my lifeline for my entire stay on this planet, live a long ways away, I can go days with no conversation more substantial then a professor's lecture. HE has shown me that I belong here, but that doesn't make the loneliness easier. And now that HE seems to be showing me a girl who maybe I should be "pursuing" (for lack of a better term) I can't convince myself to do it. What's my purpose? What can I gain from being depressed, and literally having nobody to interact with no matter what i try?

I don't know what my point is. I know GOD has something awesome for me, but I'm stuck with a bunch of roommates who just make fun of me because I try to handle myself with class. I have a professor who I don't learn from and who doesn't like what I stand for. I have a whole circle of friends who I can't bring myself to fully trust because of what they have (unintentionally) done to me. I found value in being a positive influence on the football team here; but now I'm done with that chapter, and they go on without me, they don't miss me or even greet me anymore. I find my only solace when I have a guitar in my hands, playing for my KING, but that opportunity continues to present itself less and less.

I find myself more and more wishing for the simpler times in life. Times when I was younger. I had less responsibility. I had friends I knew (or thought I knew) I could trust. I had Idealistic dreams, where now it's jaded narcissism and a world that keeps itself at arms length.

I am trying to find a positive way to end this note. It's my usual habit, it's something I try to always do. But right now i have nothing but wishes. I wish my old friendships were close and reliable. I wish my family were closer then an occasional Skype call or Facebook message. I wish I could move on to the next chapter of my life. I wish that girl would get on facebook or something so I could talk to her. Actually, I wish it were Sunday so I could see her...

στο σχέδιο του Θεού
בתוכנית של אלוהים
in consilio Dei

Friday, January 7, 2011

The Wolf

Who do you think you are?

You say that GOD can’t be worshipped in my music; That GOD can’t be praised through aggressive sounds and emotions.

But last time I checked He doesn’t look at the outward appearance.

Man looks at the outward appearance, but GOD looks at the heart.

So how can you say you know the answer? How can you have the audacity to claim you know what is pleasing to GOD?

I have given myself as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God, my spiritual act of worship.

Yet you dare say I am leading the followers of THE MOST HIGH astray, that I am a wolf in sheep’s clothing!

You claim that GOD isn’t honored in my methods of honoring HIM.

I guess it’s a good thing I’m not playing for you isn’t it?

I’m making a joyful noise to my LORD; I’m praising him with the gifts he has given me.

I live to serve, whether you believe me or not.

My sacrifice, O GOD, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, will not despise.

I want to serve YOU in all I do, so what does it matter what they think?

I am sacrificed to GOD’s will! Long live the KING!