This week, and today especially, gets harder each and every year. Everyone I talk to says otherwise, but I feel like such a loser when I'm almost 20 and have never had anything resembling a date... I don't know where this post is going, but I really need a brain-dump, so hang on.
This day really is a microcosm of how everything at Trine is for me these days. I know I'm where GOD wants me, I know he has a reason for this, but I'm so lonely and feel so worthless... I don't have close friends on campus (there's a couple pretty good ones off campus, but that only goes so far when they have their own lives i guess :p ) , My family who have been my lifeline for my entire stay on this planet, live a long ways away, I can go days with no conversation more substantial then a professor's lecture. HE has shown me that I belong here, but that doesn't make the loneliness easier. And now that HE seems to be showing me a girl who maybe I should be "pursuing" (for lack of a better term) I can't convince myself to do it. What's my purpose? What can I gain from being depressed, and literally having nobody to interact with no matter what i try?
I don't know what my point is. I know GOD has something awesome for me, but I'm stuck with a bunch of roommates who just make fun of me because I try to handle myself with class. I have a professor who I don't learn from and who doesn't like what I stand for. I have a whole circle of friends who I can't bring myself to fully trust because of what they have (unintentionally) done to me. I found value in being a positive influence on the football team here; but now I'm done with that chapter, and they go on without me, they don't miss me or even greet me anymore. I find my only solace when I have a guitar in my hands, playing for my KING, but that opportunity continues to present itself less and less.
I find myself more and more wishing for the simpler times in life. Times when I was younger. I had less responsibility. I had friends I knew (or thought I knew) I could trust. I had Idealistic dreams, where now it's jaded narcissism and a world that keeps itself at arms length.
I am trying to find a positive way to end this note. It's my usual habit, it's something I try to always do. But right now i have nothing but wishes. I wish my old friendships were close and reliable. I wish my family were closer then an occasional Skype call or Facebook message. I wish I could move on to the next chapter of my life. I wish that girl would get on facebook or something so I could talk to her. Actually, I wish it were Sunday so I could see her...
στο σχέδιο του Θεού
בתוכנית של אלוהים
in consilio Dei